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Ramadan Day 22
Apr. 1st, 2024 09:00 pmThe struggle of trying to work in the late afternoon when my energy levels are terrible continues. I had a few realizations today. One is that I am getting better at accepting situations that I can't change (in this case, not being able to submit documents on a timeline I feel good about because of factors beyond my current control). I'm not sure if it's apathy or actual acceptance (hard to tell at this point), but I was able to tell myself believably that I have no business being upset at me from the past for not "planning enough" to do something I had minimal advising about.
I am also realizing how I struggle to maintain focus, even early in the day. This has been a growing problem since I started my research year, and especially in the last six months. I am feeling the weight of everything I continue to carry and it does interfere with my function. I'm grateful that what is being interfered with is my emotions and my energy levels, and not my life. And I still recognize that I cannot run at the same pace I used to. I think I am becoming more and more ok with that. What I am still not ok with is how that "looks" up against what my peers who are less affected are able to do. Comparison is a game I'll never win, but that hasn't yet stopped my brain from trying to play. Working on it.
Last realization today was that my need for "settling space" extends beyond where I thought it did originally. I am someone who needs a minute after parking to gather myself and unlock the car doors. I cannot take off from the parking lot as soon as I buckle in, I need a few minutes to settle and get going. When I've been coming up against a wall of trying to get things done, I need 15-20 minutes of video game time to give my brain permission to be at the desk without panicking. And today, I realized this extends to interpersonal things. If there is something I want to share with someone that I am nervous to voice, it becomes exponentially harder when that person is in "go mode" most of the time. I need a little space in the interaction to settle so that I can bring up what matters to me. Without that, I feel like I am interrupting, which mounts my anxiety.
Lot's of reflecting today. I really appreciate that fasting and coming here to write about it has given me more reason to think about what I'm experiencing instead of just flailing my way through it. Also, I'm planning to pick up a cross stitch project this week, here's one of my first ones from several years back:
I am also realizing how I struggle to maintain focus, even early in the day. This has been a growing problem since I started my research year, and especially in the last six months. I am feeling the weight of everything I continue to carry and it does interfere with my function. I'm grateful that what is being interfered with is my emotions and my energy levels, and not my life. And I still recognize that I cannot run at the same pace I used to. I think I am becoming more and more ok with that. What I am still not ok with is how that "looks" up against what my peers who are less affected are able to do. Comparison is a game I'll never win, but that hasn't yet stopped my brain from trying to play. Working on it.
Last realization today was that my need for "settling space" extends beyond where I thought it did originally. I am someone who needs a minute after parking to gather myself and unlock the car doors. I cannot take off from the parking lot as soon as I buckle in, I need a few minutes to settle and get going. When I've been coming up against a wall of trying to get things done, I need 15-20 minutes of video game time to give my brain permission to be at the desk without panicking. And today, I realized this extends to interpersonal things. If there is something I want to share with someone that I am nervous to voice, it becomes exponentially harder when that person is in "go mode" most of the time. I need a little space in the interaction to settle so that I can bring up what matters to me. Without that, I feel like I am interrupting, which mounts my anxiety.
Lot's of reflecting today. I really appreciate that fasting and coming here to write about it has given me more reason to think about what I'm experiencing instead of just flailing my way through it. Also, I'm planning to pick up a cross stitch project this week, here's one of my first ones from several years back:
