probablynotnicknelson

Hello hello from the penultimate day of Ramadan. Not much new in terms of reflections in my brain today, I used all my spell slots catching up with a close friend and sending out school-related applications that might be for naught (but I have to say I tried at the very least!). Continuing to feel both a little sad this is ending and grateful to have some of my creature comforts back (mostly tea during the day, it's the main thing I miss). I think this will continue to be a guiding experience going forward when I'm trying to take better care of myself and the people around me because I am more aware of what I do for comfort and distraction. Hoping that will help me realize when I'm longing for comfort/distraction and what things I can do that might serve me better than others.

Leaving you with some bits I saw on a substack post today that really gut-punched me into some realizations. Still haven't finished reading the post but boy howdy is it landing again and again and again.

Really not much in the way of reflections today y'all, I couch potatoed and passenger princessed my way through the day. But I did a very good job with both of those things and my stardew valley farm is looking Very Cute. I did get thrown a surprise dinner by the family which was dope, but I maintain my policy of not sharing iftar pictures in solidarity with requests and reminders from Palestinians to bear in mind those who have little, if anything, to break their fasts with each day and who must wonder if they will make it to the next iftar. Perhaps tomorrow I will be more awake with more insights but right now I am very tired, a little oversocialized, and very low on words.

Hi besties, here reporting for 2 days because I missed yesterday. I was doing student-run clinic evening work and the workload, pace, and fasting on top of it being in the middle of the week wiped me out. I truly broke fast, passed out, and then had to wake up in the middle of the night to put on pajamas and brush my teeth before promptly passing out again. Visiting the family at the moment and while iftar here is a little earlier (of no importance to me) , suhoor is of course also a little earlier (of much more importance to me). So I expect between a day of exhaustion and a day of timing transition I will be taking a nap tomorrow morning despite best efforts.

I think I'll do this again next year. It's helped me feel more aware of where I turn for comfort and helped me understand what it looks like to be working with less reserve. I also do feel closer to cultural ties, and closer to my dad. It's been easy to talk to him about my choice without judgement and he keeps teaching me things I didn't know. It's also really nice to be able to build closeness with friends who are also fasting, Muslim or otherwise. My mom also found out today to the full extent about my fast and she had some questions but was surprisingly pretty ok about it. That was a pleasant outcome.


Here is the first page of a poem I read today that reminds me deeply of a very very dear friend: 

The struggle of trying to work in the late afternoon when my energy levels are terrible continues. I had a few realizations today. One is that I am getting better at accepting situations that I can't change (in this case, not being able to submit documents on a timeline I feel good about because of factors beyond my current control). I'm not sure if it's apathy or actual acceptance (hard to tell at this point), but I was able to tell myself believably that I have no business being upset at me from the past for not "planning enough" to do something I had minimal advising about.

I am also realizing how I struggle to maintain focus, even early in the day. This has been a growing problem since I started my research year, and especially in the last six months. I am feeling the weight of everything I continue to carry and it does interfere with my function. I'm grateful that what is being interfered with is my emotions and my energy levels, and not my life. And I still recognize that I cannot run at the same pace I used to. I think I am becoming more and more ok with that. What I am still not ok with is how that "looks" up against what my peers who are less affected are able to do. Comparison is a game I'll never win, but that hasn't yet stopped my brain from trying to play. Working on it.

Last realization today was that my need for "settling space" extends beyond where I thought it did originally. I am someone who needs a minute after parking to gather myself and unlock the car doors. I cannot take off from the parking lot as soon as I buckle in, I need a few minutes to settle and get going. When I've been coming up against a wall of trying to get things done, I need 15-20 minutes of video game time to give my brain permission to be at the desk without panicking. And today, I realized this extends to interpersonal things. If there is something I want to share with someone that I am nervous to voice, it becomes exponentially harder when that person is in "go mode" most of the time. I need a little space in the interaction to settle so that I can bring up what matters to me. Without that, I feel like I am interrupting, which mounts my anxiety.

Lot's of reflecting today. I really appreciate that fasting and coming here to write about it has given me more reason to think about what I'm experiencing instead of just flailing my way through it. Also, I'm planning to pick up a cross stitch project this week, here's one of my first ones from several years back: 

Honestly cannot believe 2/3 of the month is over. Being in the home stretch is very strange, I'm glad in some ways to be transitioning back to what I am fortunate enough to be used to, and sad in others that this is drawing to a close. Had a very packed day of trying to get through tasks that are of course due before Monday. Some day I'll learn that procrastination is going to actually hurt my outcomes (and honestly it might be this time, this is not a deadline I should have crunched). Fingers crossed the outcome is ultimately ok even if it teaches me a lesson.

If anyone sees this, here's a little plug for the TikTok livestream marathon being done by @mercurystardust and @alluringskull in support of Point of Pride, an organization that is by trans people, for trans people. They're raising money this weekend to support trans people in getting access to care and gender affirming garments. It's really important work, even if you can have the livestream playing in the background, we live in an attention-based economy and views and interactions are what ultimately drive success on the apps. Go give them a listen tonight and tomorrow.

Here's a new sticker I stuck on my water bottle (I ran out of laptop and iPad room, so I guess now I'm a water bottle sticker person). I found it with my papers from a conference last year. I think paired with my frog sticker it is Certifiably Very Funny (tm).

In my tiredness I totally forgot to post yesterday even though I had the tabs open and the picture ready to share. Yesterday was a bit of a flop, I managed to sleep through my alarms (which happens at least one weekday every 4-6 weeks for me) and was late for suhoor so I ate before sunrise instead of dawn. Crushed it today though, got up, ate, stayed up. Proud of myself for not going back to bed and just trucking along, it's better for my sleep cycle. Also had a really good chat in therapy today about how I show up in my relationships and my therapist pointed out that in the process of witnessing this genocide, I have (rightfully) gone back to some self-protective interpersonal tactics. I am struggling more with what I share with folks because of recent relationship losses (a few months in some already-failing friendships that I thought might have had some potential on a less-close scale crumbled quickly after I wasn't checked in with a single time, despite being very vocal about my heritage). Today I guess I began to process that the difficulty in closing that distance in much stronger friendships is at least in part rooted in that deep seated fear of loss and ongoing, intermingled grief. Being human is a funny, complicated thing.

On my walk 2 days ago, I saw some plants outside my apartment complex, but I couldn't tell if they were there because people were moving in/out and put them down, or if they were up for grabs. But yesterday, 2 of the 3 were gone, so I claimed this remaining little snake plant. Technically doesn't count as a new plant if my old snake plant decided to root rot and this one is sitting in the same spot, right? 

Barely made it to suhoor this morning! Wasn't well enough rested and my alarm almost wasn't enough to get me going in time to actually eat something. But it got done and I had meetings at lunchtime and right after and coped just fine. Feeling good about having been able to stick with this for half a month already. Not much else in the way of reflections today, but I was better today at recognizing my tiredness and drinking a lot of water in the AM and PM. I did important work today and called/emailed/faxed my idiots in congress, onwards and upwards.

Photo courtesy of my evening instagram scroll reminding me to be brave. It's funny, getting things done and pushing myself to be less of a lump helps me feel good about being less of a lump, which makes me feel (at least in this moment) more momentum to keep going.

Made a really big (for me) shift today: I have changed from fasting sunrise to sunset to dawn to sunset, which to my understanding is more in alignment with accurate fasting and prayer times. Using a prayer app to keep track of that timing. Surprisingly, I didn't feel much hungrier doing that than I usually do, despite it being a longer fast by about 2 hours. What I struggled with the most was being up in time (dawn here is at about 5:30 AM when I have been used to waking up at 6:30-7). It was tough to get any food in that early in the day especially having not slept well or enough in the hours leading up to it. We'll see how tomorrow goes, I don't regret the shift. Hoping I can eventually get up at 5 and stay up so that I can use those morning hours of max energy to their fullest.  With the poor sleep and morning nausea from trying to eat before 5:30 for the first time in ages, I was very tired today. It's hard to explain the sensation to friends who are not in it. Yes, I feel hungry and low on energy and in desire of comfort. But beyond that, especially when my interpersonal emotional needs are not getting met, that emotion is much more tiring to hold without the benefit of basic comforts. Which seems obvious when spelled out. Of course it's more and more challenging to self-regulate and cope when you are not meeting other needs you are used to having met. Still no regrets on my end, this feels like an important practice in this season of my life.

In other news, I am trying to start vegetable and herb seeds. I've yet to be successful at that in the past, but I like having something to tend to when the weather eventually shifts. Worst case scenario, I will have to do some plant shopping in the early spring, but here's to hoping. Trying to grow tomatoes, beans, basil, and chives.

No picture today but I can leave you with what I think is a stunning image: in my DND session, my character (a half orc barbarian named Livlaf Love who wears a big hoop skirt and has a heavy southern accent) gave a sugar cube to an npc ally who is definitely in a cult and rolled a nat 20 persuasion check when telling him that he deserves simple pleasures in life that the cult is denying him. Which managed to crack the facade of the cult info his brain is full of and now he is beginning to question his place in the cult. And yes she does carry around a big pouch of sugar cubes and yes I do in fact track the number I have left because I find it fun to play with the finite resource even though the DM was willing to give me infinite sugar cubes for ease.

Going to a demonstration and sharing an iftar meal with 3 peers all in one day? Wowie. Feeling really tired and really fortunate to be here. I made a veggie galette (which I've never done!) and it turned out wonderfully as well as some Yemeni honeycomb bread for dessert. I'm really quite proud of myself for cooking so much from scratch. It's also reminded me that pie crusts aren't difficult to make, I just don't like making them because I don't like recipes that require chilled dough. But I can easily make a pie for a future event. It's really really nice to share a meal with people. I don't have the social battery to do it all the time, but as a treat it's awesome.

In my tiredness I admittedly almost forgot to report here but the habit is growing because I remembered right as I was about to go to sleep. Yay for doing things I care about and have committed to. Not going to post photos of the food I made here because Palestinians have asked that we don't share iftar spreads and this feels too close to that. Instead here is the song that my brain is currently latched on. I have enormous feelings about its inaccuracies when compared to the book and also about its portrayal of Odysseus who I Do Not Like Even a Little, He's Just a Colonizer (I would insert a joke about "in this essay I will" but I did legitimately write an essay on this). Still, it's extremely catchy and I am building a vision in my head where it aligns better with my read of the Odyssey.

open.spotify.com/track/5w4DNXyuAZhUO4y3erBg9G

Woof what a day. Haven't talked about this yet but Tuesdays are easily the hardest day of the week in this season of my life. I try to anticipate this by making Tuesdays a day to run errands because then I can't just become a couch lump, but even that felt largely unsuccessful today. I was feeling really tense and on edge already, compounded by some interpersonal tension that I'm struggling to figure out how to resolve, and then inevitably compounded by having to cook and grocery shop and be surrounded by food while fasting. Yikes. Very ready for today to be over, truly was counting the minutes until iftar not really so that I could eat, but so that I could be closer to bedtime and trying again tomorrow.

I'm not sure that anything could have made today a massive success, my errand running which is usually well-planned and efficient felt sporadic and splintered, I only got a few of my reasonable and doable-on-any-other-errand-day list done. It's also the first full errand day I've tried to run while fasting (I only did 1-2 small errands last week and the food related ones were less stressful than this week) and it was definitely a trial. Funnily, it's a little easier to notice when I'm actually upset about an interpersonal encounter while fasting, because I don't have to wonder if lack of food/sleep/etc. are what are actually upsetting me; I'm becoming familiar with my baseline irritability around eating and waking up on time to eat suhoor that when I surpass that level of AHHH, I can't just chalk it up to food/sleep.

Here's a cute smol sriracha that I bought today (I don't really keep sriracha in the house but wanted a small one for specific dishes, don't come for me I like other hot sauces better in most things)